Posted in Letters Unsent

Rubbed, raw, and reeling

This is probably the worst Day 1 of all Day 1s. 

It was surreal. I am still wishing (and desperately hoping) that someone would slap me in the face and wake me up from this deep sleep I am in. I don’t know, maybe to wake up in that corner of the room we used to share, just lying in the bed, and I will tell you casually, “I had a really bad dream” and begin narrating scene by scene, frame by frame. 

I know this isn’t a dream though. This my reality now. A reality that I have to face without you. A reality with just me and no one else. I still feel hurt. But deep inside my emotional and very broken state, I am happy that you finally got the space you begged me for. 

I felt like I cried all the tears that I could shed inside my system. I’ve been asking the same questions over and over in my head. I kept blaming myself for what happened. I am stranded at one place with no idea what to do next or where to go. 

I feel broken and shattered into tiny irreparable pieces. Reminds me of the time  when we’re pushing and pulling each other because we both know that we can’t be together. Factor that in then double the pain. That’s how broken I am right now. Of all the wounds I ever had, this will probably take the longest time to heal. Sadly, there were no scientific cure to at least numb myself from the excruciating pain. 

Today, I’ve put my stuff back inside the cabinet. They’re back to where they were originally placed before I started packing them to bring it over to your place. I can’t sleep because the moment I close my eyes, I see that vivid image of the place we shared. Every corner of the place we used to call “ours” is etched inside my memory. I open my eyes and find myself crying for the nth time. 

I am not okay. But I know I will be. Someday. 

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