Posted in Letters Unsent

Rubbed, raw, and reeling

This is probably the worst Day 1 of all Day 1s. 

It was surreal. I am still wishing (and desperately hoping) that someone would slap me in the face and wake me up from this deep sleep I am in. I don’t know, maybe to wake up in that corner of the room we used to share, just lying in the bed, and I will tell you casually, “I had a really bad dream” and begin narrating scene by scene, frame by frame. 

I know this isn’t a dream though. This my reality now. A reality that I have to face without you. A reality with just me and no one else. I still feel hurt. But deep inside my emotional and very broken state, I am happy that you finally got the space you begged me for. 

I felt like I cried all the tears that I could shed inside my system. I’ve been asking the same questions over and over in my head. I kept blaming myself for what happened. I am stranded at one place with no idea what to do next or where to go. 

I feel broken and shattered into tiny irreparable pieces. Reminds me of the time  when we’re pushing and pulling each other because we both know that we can’t be together. Factor that in then double the pain. That’s how broken I am right now. Of all the wounds I ever had, this will probably take the longest time to heal. Sadly, there were no scientific cure to at least numb myself from the excruciating pain. 

Today, I’ve put my stuff back inside the cabinet. They’re back to where they were originally placed before I started packing them to bring it over to your place. I can’t sleep because the moment I close my eyes, I see that vivid image of the place we shared. Every corner of the place we used to call “ours” is etched inside my memory. I open my eyes and find myself crying for the nth time. 

I am not okay. But I know I will be. Someday. 

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Posted in Letters Unsent

To that girl who’s got no boundaries

You know who you are.

Before I start this probably bitchy post, I just want you to know that I am so tempted to write your name here. But I will not do that. I will choose to protect your privacy. Something that you didn’t do. I will not do that because I have boundaries. Something that you don’t have.

There was a reason why that email was only sent out to you seniors at work. I have no idea why you must be included in the email thread when clearly, you have no bearing on the work that I have to endorse. The only benefit you can have from knowing is so you can blab it out to everyone who knows me, which you did.

Who gave you the right to do such thing, by the way? Tell me, in what part of my resignation did it become your story to start telling people about it? Did I ask you to do so? Did I give you the consent? What the hell where you thinking?

This happened to your fellow senior at work, if you still remember. You should, since it only happened a month ago. She was told off by your boss for not knowing how to keep confidentiality. I remember the exact words were: “I sent that to you because you are LEADERS and part of being one is knowing how to keep confidentiality”. Do you realize now where you’re totally off the line? She’s got a point there, dude. At least, that incident was purely accidental. Was yours an accident, too?

I understand that it is in your nature to talk. But for once, can’t you just talk about your life and not someone else’s?

I hope that moving forward, you’ll learn how to practice confidentiality and professionalism. No, that’s my professional counter-ego talking. What I really want to say is, you should learn how to mind your own f***ing business.

Posted in Letters Unsent

Not a goodbye letter

Dear Juan de la Cruz,

By the time you read this, I would’ve probably vacated my seat, my things gone, my desk all clean and empty. You’ll probably wonder why I left or why I didn’t say goodbye. Here’s why:

I know this scenario all too well. I’ve been here before. As soon as I handed in that letter, I began telling people that I already did. It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever done. People began asking questions, even people I’m not really close to. They wondered where I’ll go to next, where I am headed, or whatever it is that I plan to do with my life. I answered each one of their questions. It was tiring having to repeat the same line over and over again and to different people every time. During my probably, seventh repetition of my life goals (or lack thereof), I realized that people didn’t really care what I plan to do with my life. They just wanted something to talk about. Some were just keeping tabs of who already left or at least planning to. I should’ve told only those people who really mattered to me — people that I’m sure I will be missed.

I am not saying that you don’t matter. You do. You really do. As cliche as it may sound but it’s not you, it’s just really me. I don’t want to go through the sad farewells again. Believe it or not, there were a lot of tears shed, a lot of I will miss yous uttered, and a lot of “Let’s keep in touch” promises were executed for each single soul I got to talk to that day. I never kept those promises. I never “kept in touch” with them. You see now, Juan de la Cruz, I no longer want to make promises I can’t keep. Nor do I want to create a memory of us bidding farewell in the hopes of seeing each other again in the unknowable future. No, that’s not what I want. I want us to be normal because we will see each other again. Let’s make time to see each other again. There’s no room for a goodbye because we can always meet up for a drink or two, or go out to a nice dinner to catch up. I hope you’ll like that idea, because I sure as hell would sign up if you’re game.

I’m sorry for not telling you that I am leaving. I didn’t tell anyone for the reasons stated above. Please don’t take it personally. I have nothing against you. In fact, if only I could take you with me, I would. That’s how much you mean to me.

My number hasn’t changed. You can still text me or call me whenever you have a new story to tell about that guy you’ve been eyeing on for months or whenever you wanted to rant about your boss who turned into a bitchy monster again. I promise, I will respond. And if I don’t, I probably just went to the bathroom or in a meeting or talking to a work mate. But don’t worry, once I see your name in my mobile screen, I will surely get back to you.

So give me a call sometime, invite me out to dinner, movies or wherever. I will too. Let’s catch up because I’d still like to hear your stories.

Let’s not bid farewell. No matter how beautiful they say farewells are sometimes. This letter isn’t a goodbye, Juan de la Cruz. I am writing to you to say until we meet each other again, live happily just like how I’ve always known you. Continue to inspire lives like how you inpired mine.

Cheers, amigo!

Always,
T

Posted in Letters Unsent, Nothingness

One thing I promise…

I don’t know how to tell you because it might come off awkward and out-of-the-blue. But I want to thank you for trying to do something I wanted you to do.

You knew I didn’t get a resolve from the argument we had the other night. You just hugged me and didn’t say anything. I resigned to the fact that maybe, the issue will never find its resolution because we both want different things. We can never meet halfway, and so I was ready to let it go. I have let it go and swore to myself to never bring the issue up again. It still bothers me, yes. But I am more bothered every time we fight. So I gave up convincing you that what I’m asking isn’t that hard to do. I never wanted to come off demanding and manipulative anyway. The only convincing I had to do was to tell myself that it was just a petty issue, and that I can still sleep at night even if it gets unresolved. 

Today was different though. You surprised me by doing what I’ve asked you to. I wasn’t waiting for it at all since I’ve already set my mind on something that is opposite to what you did. It felt good knowing that you tried even though I personally know that it was out of character for you to do that. I’m not sure if that was something you did unconciously or because you don’t want me to get upset anymore. But whatever the reason is, I want to thank you. 

Thank you for putting up with me no matter how unreasonable I may get sometimes. Thank you for giving in to something you thought was childish just to make me happy. Thank you for your unfaltering understanding and unwavering love you show and let me feel every day. I could go on and list all the reasons I am thankful for, and a day would still not be enough to express it all. 

I didn’t realize that I am capable to receive this much love from someone who, just months ago, was just a stranger I met at work. I didn’t realize that someone can make me happy this much. One thing I can tell you is that I promise to spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. 

Posted in Letters Unsent

Anong meron ka? 

Hindi naman talaga mabilis mawala ang inis ko. Usually, yung simpleng inis ko naglalast ng two hours. Minsan four. Tapos ayoko munang makita yung taong yun. Ni makasama. Kasi baka masaktan ko siya. 

Pero iba ka. Bakit ganun? Ni hindi man lang tumagal ng thirty minutes yung inis ko sayo. At okay lang saking kasama pa kita kahit di tayo nag-uusap kanina. Tapos isang sorry mo lang, okay na. Closed case na. 

Nagmamature na yata ako. Dami ko nang natutunan sa buhay ko. 

Posted in Letters Unsent, Nothingness

Just because

  
Because I love it every time she sends me a random “I love you” message. 

Because I miss her even when she’s just seated behind me at work. 

Because it makes me happy everytime our eyes would meet and she would smile. 

Because I love her and I’m loving her more everyday.